Why do people who have ADHD appear to struggle so much in relationships? Why do couples experience year in year out without decision to the same frustrating connection issues?
Suffering and striving in ADHD interactions where one or both partners are affected may be turned around whenever you understand how to do it. However, it takes a determination on the section of both people to look differently at the way they see each other - and in particular to notice the way they make assumptions about each other's goals. It is an easy task to fall under patterns of interaction that cause visitors to think they understand what another means or feels. That's why it happens so frequently. Why so often the assumption is wrong and that's. Most people will discover when they delve deeper, they have misjudged a great deal and skilled negative consequences.Take for a second the case of Maura and Jack. This pair found teaching when they had reached the finish of the rules together. Maura was ill and tired of Jack's unwillingness to engage with her when she desired to have 'frank and open discussions.' She felt like Jack seldom paid attention to her and described Jack's conduct as running from true intimacy with her and that she was feeling so disappointed she could not stand it anymore.Jack had a different pair of perceptions and problems. He felt like Maura was always criticizing him and making him feel he couldn't do any such thing right. He decided he had started to take away from the connection because it was having a very negative effect on how he felt about himself and his life. He defined it by saying, 'I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don't. I can't make Maura happy no matter just how much I take to so why should I try?'Through instruction, Maura and Jack untangled a few of their 'starts-out-with-good-intentions-and then-quickly-dissolves-into-a-full-out-fight', they discovered that both were making assumptions concerning the others objectives and behavior that weren't true. Actually they had to admit that this had been going on so long that it may take weeks to go back and untangle the net of misperceptions, claims and resentments.Of course, that is maybe not essential. What they have to do is begin now to communicate in a means which allows them to be on the lookout for these negative habits of making assumptions about the other one.So how can this work?
Secret #1: Making Assumptions
A Typical ADHD Couple:You create comment 'I'm already feeling bad; I hear criticism; I mistake your intention'This situation occurs over and over again in individual and work relationships. Since people are not conscious this really is happening, they are automatically accumulating a pile of problems that with time can cause them to experience more and more estranged from their partner.The fact is that ALL of these miscommunications are a result of THEIR EMOTIONAL STATE AND PERSONAL ISSUES - not their PARTNER'S mental condition or their PARTNER'S issues. They are the people doing the interpreting and thus they run the danger of mistaking the objectives of the other. That just gets worse with time because they commence to BELIEVE that all objectives coming from the other person will likely be poor. At some point they stop hearing entirely and whatever was true has been lost.Maura and Jack are surprised at how naive they had been that any of this was going on. They say they only KNEW THEY WERE RIGHT inside their assessments of the other one, and BELIEVED without a shadow of a question the other wasn't being loving and understanding and therefore did not care.Maura and Jack are doing better now because they are learning how to speak differently when they provide a heightened emotional state or negative emotions to a discussion. They are first figuring out just how to take a breath and ask the other for clarification before jumping to negative assumptions. If one or both have feelings triggered, they're learning that all must ask the other for what they need so as to feel recognized in the conversation; ask immediate questions of the other's motives, be willing to accept the other's model or give the benefit of the doubt, and thus avoid having their trade end-up a screaming match creating nonetheless more distance between them. Using these techniques, Maura and Jack found themselves coming back together and fixing the strained connections between them.So here are the ways to influence better communication:
You are annoyed
Your partner is not mentally in tune with the manner in which you are feeling
You describe how you're feeling and how they may be useful
If they behave in a way that will not work for you, you learn why and clear it up
You feel well because you can now go forward sensation understood/appreciated